fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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