I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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