Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I need a beard to bite.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
