I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
