how can u be prego again
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
