Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
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