You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
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