Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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