Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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