If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
