I just made out with a guy for $7.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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