I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
