I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
