I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
