I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
