God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
So vagazzling was a success
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
