I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
