oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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