Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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