This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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