That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
