hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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