Your mouth is God's brothel.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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