btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
