At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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