I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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