I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
