I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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