Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
