70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
