never play flip cup with pint glasses
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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