2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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