dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
