so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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