PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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