someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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