That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
