Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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