Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
