I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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