It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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