this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize