You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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