I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize