i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
