wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
