I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
