He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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