my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
