Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Princesses don't give blow jobs
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
