Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
how drunk are you?
Several
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
