he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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