i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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