If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
