I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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