It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
This house was built for laser tag.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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