So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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