tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize