there was a trapeze. enough said
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
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