Banned from zoo.
Again?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
