I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize