I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
