I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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