evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
