My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
